Author Topic: The Old Joke Threads! (Read 39193 times)

BzK · « **Reply #30 on:** March 28, 2005, 08:18:02 AM »

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That's just.. so funny. XD <33
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look who's back!

great jokes Merc lol

fireknight40 · « **Reply #31 on:** March 28, 2005, 07:05:35 PM »

Great jokes

Although I heard the one about the boy poking the girl to wake her up.

maverick · « **Reply #32 on:** March 28, 2005, 10:07:05 PM »

lol these are great

Guest · « **Reply #33 on:** March 29, 2005, 02:56:14 AM »

OMFG MERCY, THOSE ARE THE FUNNIEST JOKES IVE EVER READ. She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!" HAHAHAHAHHAA

-Viper (CAnt fucking login this damn forum)

nathan · « **Reply #34 on:** March 29, 2005, 06:09:17 PM »

what's the problem, did you forget your password? make a new account if you can't use your old one, stop posing as guest..

Wobbles · « **Reply #35 on:** March 29, 2005, 11:08:45 PM »

Yeah, she'll be eighteen in... *Checks watch..* 11 minutes.

Mercy · « **Reply #36 on:** March 30, 2005, 11:35:39 PM »

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied; "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work,Medicine Man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled ..... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

Mercy · « **Reply #37 on:** March 30, 2005, 11:48:13 PM »

Priceless

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-- Love you
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night."
Jack son answers "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door!"
Jack says, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a red rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed," 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!' "

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless

Mercy · « **Reply #38 on:** March 30, 2005, 11:49:21 PM »

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here,and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Mercy · « **Reply #39 on:** March 30, 2005, 11:52:02 PM »

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in its mouth reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and
waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and berating the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!!!"

Mercy · « **Reply #40 on:** March 30, 2005, 11:57:50 PM »

(ok this one is rough, and no one take it seriously)

The teacher says, "Let's discuss what your fathers do for a living."
Mary says, "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts bad guys in jail."
Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all sick people better."
The teacher says, to Dirty Johnny, "John, what does your Dad do ?"
Johnny says, "My Dad is dead."
She says, "I'm sorry to hear that.
But what did he do before he died?"
Johnny says, "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."

Mercy · « **Reply #41 on:** March 30, 2005, 11:59:29 PM »

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Mercy · « **Reply #42 on:** March 31, 2005, 12:01:31 AM »

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Margie and Mikey, they're eighteen. And the twins, Pam & Sam, they're sixteen. And the twins, Sissy and Missy, they're fourteen." "Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?" The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'."

Mercy · « **Reply #43 on:** March 31, 2005, 12:02:19 AM »

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it..."

Mercy · « **Reply #44 on:** March 31, 2005, 12:03:27 AM »

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

Mercy · « **Reply #45 on:** March 31, 2005, 12:04:04 AM »

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day." "Can't", replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

Mercy · « **Reply #46 on:** March 31, 2005, 12:04:52 AM »

A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those lovey names." The old guy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

Mercy · « **Reply #47 on:** March 31, 2005, 12:05:29 AM »

And the last one of the day.

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a blonde joke?''
The person replies, ''I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde.
My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde.
And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?''

The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three times.''

BzK · « **Reply #48 on:** March 31, 2005, 12:48:29 AM »

ROFL @ the blonde joke

Shade · « **Reply #49 on:** March 31, 2005, 02:18:55 AM »

ahhhh XD ur horrible *sniffle*

Lance Ezekiel · « **Reply #50 on:** March 31, 2005, 02:48:55 AM »

Funny as ever dude keep it up

Wobbles · « **Reply #51 on:** March 31, 2005, 05:36:34 PM »

Wobbles · « **Reply #52 on:** April 17, 2005, 12:54:34 PM »

Need more jokes, damn you!!

Knuckles · « **Reply #53 on:** April 20, 2005, 08:47:11 PM »

that last joke was a little mean.

420 · « **Reply #54 on:** April 21, 2005, 01:33:33 AM »

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that last joke was a little mean.
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You mean the joke where wobbles posted two useless posts in a row? Yeah, it was mean.

-420

fireknight40 · « **Reply #55 on:** April 21, 2005, 01:38:23 AM »

You realize I'm a blond person... (don't act like one most the time it's the other personality that does)

Knuckles · « **Reply #56 on:** April 21, 2005, 06:39:12 PM »

Quote

You mean the joke where wobbles posted two useless posts in a row? Yeah, it was mean.

-420
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no I meant mercy joke

Mercy · « **Reply #57 on:** April 22, 2005, 02:15:31 AM »

Oh well, the meaner the better. Sorry more coming, Ive been busy.

Mercy · « **Reply #58 on:** April 22, 2005, 03:38:01 AM »

Good Manners

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her
students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and
during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say
to her? "

Mike replies : Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss.
The teacher says : That would be very rude and improper on your part.

Johnny replied : I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a
minute.

The teacher says : That's much better but to mention the word "toilet"
during a meal, is unpleasant.

And Charlie says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go
shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to
you after dinner. "

The teacher passed out.

Elessar Telrunya · « **Reply #59 on:** April 22, 2005, 08:02:03 AM »

rofl

-Elessar

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Author Topic: The Old Joke Threads! (Read 39193 times)

Guest