LucidMagic.net

Other => Random Ranting => Topic started by: Mercy on February 01, 2005, 03:22:44 AM

Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on February 01, 2005, 03:22:44 AM: I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a
big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, Let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Soul Sojourner on February 01, 2005, 04:09:11 AM: Hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! LMAO!!!! Good one. =P
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Blood Angel on February 01, 2005, 04:21:04 PM: that was a good one !!
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Celestial1 on February 01, 2005, 05:11:15 PM: Oh... god. Shame on you. :P

~Celestial
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: maverick on February 01, 2005, 05:50:24 PM: lol good one
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Nemesis on February 01, 2005, 05:58:20 PM: HAHA niiiiice.
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Tea-cup on February 01, 2005, 06:21:06 PM: As funny as a manual of a microwave. Felt like I was reading that.

-Mel
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: doofer101 on February 01, 2005, 06:57:25 PM: whats funny about a mircowave manual?
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: James_2k on February 01, 2005, 07:08:17 PM: Quote
whats funny about a mircowave manual?
[snapback]17577[/snapback]
hmm, therin lies the game

nothing is, go figure
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: nathan on February 02, 2005, 05:35:34 PM: hahahhahahaha, niceeee

I auctally think it's good to start reading the posts, tehre funny
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Tea-cup on February 02, 2005, 06:10:16 PM: Quote
whats funny about a mircowave manual?
[snapback]17577[/snapback]
I honnest wouldn't know either, that's why I said that. -_-

-Mel
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Wobbles on February 02, 2005, 07:10:34 PM: No, Tea-cup, I don't feel like it.
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: gashmo on February 02, 2005, 08:35:09 PM: that's really evil mercy lol!!
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Wobbles on February 02, 2005, 08:55:51 PM: Best part was when Nathan changed Blood's post XD
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Blood Angel on February 15, 2005, 08:28:23 AM: what's been changed? nath I'll whomp you :D
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Razor Blade on February 15, 2005, 10:34:49 AM: Good one lol
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 28, 2005, 03:45:37 AM: In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare. Eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy named Jack from Carmichael Saskatchewan stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time.
No one moves.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps...
He whispers...."Iron this -- and then get me a beer."
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 28, 2005, 03:47:30 AM: Another Joke...

John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.
A few moments passed "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company" he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike"
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked "How do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony too"
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 28, 2005, 03:49:21 AM: Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 28, 2005, 03:51:17 AM: A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 28, 2005, 03:52:44 AM: The Phone Call

The Phone Call

((((RING)))) (((RING)))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause...

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? .....Is this 555-7039??"
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 28, 2005, 03:54:41 AM: A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driverÃƒÂ¢??s window.
The young man lowers his window ÃƒÂ¢??Uh, yes, officer?ÃƒÂ¢?Ã‚Â
ÃƒÂ¢??What are you doing?ÃƒÂ¢?Ã‚Â
ÃƒÂ¢??Well, isnÃƒÂ¢??t it obvious? IÃƒÂ¢??m reading a magazine, sir ÃƒÂ¢??
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: ÃƒÂ¢??And her, what is she doing?ÃƒÂ¢?Ã‚Â
The young man shrugs: ÃƒÂ¢??Sir, I believe sheÃƒÂ¢??s knitting a pullover sweater.ÃƒÂ¢?Ã‚Â
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a loversÃƒÂ¢?? lane. And nothing obscene is happening! ÃƒÂ¢??WhatÃƒÂ¢??s your age, young man?ÃƒÂ¢?Ã‚Â
ÃƒÂ¢??IÃƒÂ¢??m 25, sir.ÃƒÂ¢?Ã‚Â
ÃƒÂ¢??And her ... whatÃƒÂ¢??s her age?ÃƒÂ¢?Ã‚Â
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
ÃƒÂ¢??SheÃƒÂ¢??ll be 18 in 11 minutes.ÃƒÂ¢?Ã‚Â
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 28, 2005, 03:58:32 AM: A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!"
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 28, 2005, 04:00:17 AM: Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing that he had ever heard, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine"

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Mr. Smith doesn't think the little shit is adorable anymore.
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 28, 2005, 04:03:28 AM: A Study

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:

Red............cherry
Yellow........lemon
Green........lime
Orange.....orange

Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.
After eating them for a few minutes none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well"' he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror , spit hers out and yelled, "Oh, my God! They're assholes!"
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 28, 2005, 04:03:51 AM: Annoying Boy on Bus

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 28, 2005, 04:05:05 AM: A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: nathan on March 28, 2005, 04:07:37 AM: OK!!! I READ EVERY SINGLE ONE wowowowoow these are so freaking funny
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 28, 2005, 04:14:00 AM: A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there
wearing dark shades. She says,"Excuse me,sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?
He says ,"Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know
that she was only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes,Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Crim on March 28, 2005, 04:28:19 AM: That's just.. so funny. XD <33
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: BzK on March 28, 2005, 08:18:02 AM: Quote
That's just.. so funny. XD <33
[snapback]20312[/snapback]

look who's back! :lol:

great jokes Merc lol
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: fireknight40 on March 28, 2005, 07:05:35 PM: Great jokes :D Although I heard the one about the boy poking the girl to wake her up.
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: maverick on March 28, 2005, 10:07:05 PM: lol these are great
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Guest on March 29, 2005, 02:56:14 AM: OMFG MERCY, THOSE ARE THE FUNNIEST JOKES IVE EVER READ. She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!" HAHAHAHAHHAA

-Viper (CAnt fucking login this damn forum)
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: nathan on March 29, 2005, 06:09:17 PM: what's the problem, did you forget your password? make a new account if you can't use your old one, stop posing as guest..
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Wobbles on March 29, 2005, 11:08:45 PM: Yeah, she'll be eighteen in... *Checks watch..* 11 minutes.
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 30, 2005, 11:35:39 PM: An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied; "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work,Medicine Man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled ..... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 30, 2005, 11:48:13 PM: Priceless

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-- Love you
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night."
Jack son answers "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door!"
Jack says, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a red rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed," 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!' "

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 30, 2005, 11:49:21 PM: A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here,and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 30, 2005, 11:52:02 PM: As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in its mouth reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and
waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and berating the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!!!"
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 30, 2005, 11:57:50 PM: (ok this one is rough, and no one take it seriously)

The teacher says, "Let's discuss what your fathers do for a living."
Mary says, "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts bad guys in jail."
Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all sick people better."
The teacher says, to Dirty Johnny, "John, what does your Dad do ?"
Johnny says, "My Dad is dead."
She says, "I'm sorry to hear that.
But what did he do before he died?"
Johnny says, "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 30, 2005, 11:59:29 PM: Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 31, 2005, 12:01:31 AM: A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Margie and Mikey, they're eighteen. And the twins, Pam & Sam, they're sixteen. And the twins, Sissy and Missy, they're fourteen." "Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?" The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'."
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 31, 2005, 12:02:19 AM: Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it..."
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 31, 2005, 12:03:27 AM: A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 31, 2005, 12:04:04 AM: A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day." "Can't", replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 31, 2005, 12:04:52 AM: A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those lovey names." The old guy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on March 31, 2005, 12:05:29 AM: And the last one of the day.

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a blonde joke?''
The person replies, ''I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde.
My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde.
And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?''

The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three times.''
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: BzK on March 31, 2005, 12:48:29 AM: ROFL @ the blonde joke

:lol:
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Shade on March 31, 2005, 02:18:55 AM: ahhhh XD ur horrible *sniffle*
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Lance Ezekiel on March 31, 2005, 02:48:55 AM: Funny as ever dude keep it up :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Wobbles on March 31, 2005, 05:36:34 PM: lol.
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Wobbles on April 17, 2005, 12:54:34 PM: Need more jokes, damn you!!
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Knuckles on April 20, 2005, 08:47:11 PM: that last joke was a little mean.
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: 420 on April 21, 2005, 01:33:33 AM: Quote
that last joke was a little mean.
[snapback]22052[/snapback]

You mean the joke where wobbles posted two useless posts in a row? Yeah, it was mean.

-420
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: fireknight40 on April 21, 2005, 01:38:23 AM: You realize I'm a blond person... (don't act like one most the time it's the other personality that does) :P
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Knuckles on April 21, 2005, 06:39:12 PM: Quote
You mean the joke where wobbles posted two useless posts in a row? Yeah, it was mean.

-420
[snapback]22067[/snapback]
no I meant mercy joke :P
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on April 22, 2005, 02:15:31 AM: Oh well, the meaner the better. Sorry more coming, Ive been busy.
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on April 22, 2005, 03:38:01 AM: Good Manners

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her
students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and
during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say
to her? "

Mike replies : Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss.
The teacher says : That would be very rude and improper on your part.

Johnny replied : I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a
minute.

The teacher says : That's much better but to mention the word "toilet"
during a meal, is unpleasant.

And Charlie says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go
shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to
you after dinner. "

The teacher passed out.
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Elessar Telrunya on April 22, 2005, 08:02:03 AM: rofl

-Elessar
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Knuckles on April 25, 2005, 07:15:47 PM: that was F***en funny ROFLMFAO
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: James_2k on April 27, 2005, 03:14:20 PM: i hope you dont mind me posting one not really a joke, but its along the lines..

Many Sydney folk DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs Play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win a prize.

One particular game, however, made Sydney drop to its knees with laughter and is Possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is ED on Fox FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have"

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First name only please".

Contestant: "Brian"

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?

Brian: "Yes".

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married"

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First name only please"

Brian: "Sara"

DJ: "Is Sara at work Brian?"

Brian: "She's gonna kill me"

DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work"

DJ: "OK, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She's gonna kill me"

DJ: "Brian, stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning"

DJ: "Atta boy Brian"

Brian: (laughing sheepishly): "Well...."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes"

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake"

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice"

DJ: "OK. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well...."

DJ: "This sounds good Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh"

Brian: "And the mother in law was in the shower at the time"

DJ: "Atta boy Brian"

Brian: "On the kitchen table"

DJ: "Not that great? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's
work number and call her up. You listen to this"

(3 minutes of commercials follow)

DJ: "OK audience, let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch tones...ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos"

DJ: "Hey is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she"

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with Fox FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking to Brian for a couple of hours now"

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Soooooo, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sara: "No"

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, OK? Be completely honest"

DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us"

Sara: (laughing) "yes"

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work"

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning"

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe"

DJ: "Hmmm, that's close enough. I'm sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes"

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell them honey"

DJ: "What is bothering you so much Sara?"

Sara: "well....."

DJ: "Come on Sara...where did you have it?"

Sara: "Up the arse..."

After a long pause, the DJ said: "Folks, we need a take a station break"
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Knuckles on April 27, 2005, 06:50:31 PM: OH GOOD GOD THAT'S FUNNY :rofl:
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Tyrael on April 28, 2005, 04:34:13 AM: hehe funny :P james i still havent see you on GodSpire :acute: so come on soon lol :P
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: James_2k on April 28, 2005, 09:39:18 AM: Quote
hehe funny :P james i still havent see you on GodSpire :acute: so come on soon lol :P
[snapback]22707[/snapback]
hehe, WoW is addictive :)

but i will try and get NWN installed, but as my sig says i forgot to back up my chars :( so aluvian DS may be making an appearance :P
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on April 30, 2005, 05:38:34 PM: rofl that is good. Heres anothe blonde for ya :).

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: BzK on April 30, 2005, 06:11:54 PM: Quote
rofl that is good. Heres anothe blonde for ya :).
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
[snapback]22908[/snapback]

:rofl: blonde jokes never get old...
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Knuckles on April 30, 2005, 11:00:50 PM: Quote
:rofl: blonde jokes never get old...
[snapback]22909[/snapback]
it was ok, but not that funny. :)
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: nathan on May 13, 2005, 08:46:07 PM: A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office in Winter Haven, Florida.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man asked, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row.

The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems,pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are
you trying to find out?

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140.. We do it here for $50
and I get $43 back from Medicare."

Is Florida great or what?
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on June 09, 2005, 04:30:11 AM: A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on November 04, 2006, 12:25:39 AM: A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts
Her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says, "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Soul Sojourner on November 07, 2006, 05:26:17 AM: I thought I replied to this, it was half funny. I'm a tough humor critic. Few things make me laugh, though the best job at doing that is done by situational irony on forums or conversations. I do the best job at making me laugh. Though my gf can do it pretty well too. lol.

Got more?
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: ViperDE2004 on November 08, 2006, 12:42:51 AM: wtf lol. man hell your messed up lol

Nice joke mercy i thought it was pretty good.
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Soul Sojourner on November 08, 2006, 05:18:14 AM: Quote
wtf lol. man hell your messed up lol
[snapback]32511[/snapback]
Hmm... Yeah, that sounds pretty accurate to me. *nods* :yes:
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Anheg on November 13, 2006, 05:25:34 PM: Long story for such a one punchline joke =p

I at least got a giggle out of it
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Raelias on November 15, 2006, 06:02:44 PM: I have some decent ones I found from some forums. I'll throw some jokes up and I also have some "adult" orientated ones that are pretty funny from the DotA Discussion boards. Their not to bad but they might be offensive to some. Not sure. If you want to hear them I'll post them up. Their worth a laugh or twenty.

-Raelias
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on November 16, 2006, 01:57:46 AM: While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed. His soul arrives in
Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, the doors open, and he rides the elevator down, down, down. When the doors open again, the senator finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and they reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.
"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity."
He reflects for a minute and then answers, "Well, I would never would have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot, and the odor is just horrible.
Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at the senator, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on December 27, 2006, 01:19:02 PM: An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Mercy on December 29, 2006, 02:53:27 PM: A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Xen on December 30, 2006, 03:20:11 AM: rofl
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Anheg on March 21, 2007, 05:20:33 PM: Quote
She was shopping at the local Tescos where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee, and

A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading my items on the conveyor belt
to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as
she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases,
the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
she was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she
was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she
was indeed single. she looked at the six items on the
belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well,
you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on
earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
Title: The Old Joke Threads!
Post by: Soul Sojourner on August 06, 2007, 06:25:32 PM: This is a bunch of Mercy's joke thread's compiled into one. It also includes joke threads by a couple other individuals that never got replies. (Anheg, Nathan)

This is not his official joke thread, but the old ones. His new one will be pinned. =)