Yesterday during a hunt for unique monsters, keys, and loot in general I found a breakable object in the oasis that I could not get my character close enough to interact with it. (See map location in first attached picture) This lead me to think that just maybe there was some kind of hidden walkmesh up to it that I had not yet found. So after a few minutes of experimentation I concluded that it was just a bit of a tease and a simple ranged attack solved the minor issue. However during that time I realized that this process looked rather comical. My imagination ran around in manic circles with the idea and here is what finally came of it. Enjoy!
Redwind and the Cookie Jar
Once upon a time in Sanctuary there lived a barbarian girl named Redwind. People didn't call her that because she had red hair (which she really did) but because she was so fierce when fighting monsters that it looked like she made the wind bleed.
Redwind loved treasure. She liked the sharp kind of treasure that could cut monsters in two. She also liked the heavy kind of treasure that could bash monster brains into jelly. Of course she also liked the hard kind of treasure that you could wear so monsters would not cut you in two or bash your brains into jelly. Redwind loved killing monsters by the dozens to get treasure.
Whenever Redwind went out treasure hunting her good friend Eirena would come along. Eirena was a witch, but she was not the nasty, ugly, kind of witch. She was a very pretty enchantress with pale skin and hair. Eirena was also very skinny and that really showed when she stood next to Redwind who had big muscles and could crack nuts with her bare hands.
Redwind usually didn't like magic, but Eirena's was okay. Eirena has a spell that could turn monsters into chickens. That always took Redwind by surprise but she had to admit it was always funny to see. It also made it easier to kill the monsters and take their treasure. The really surprising thing about Eirena was that she carried a great big battle-axe with her wherever she went. "You may be an enchantress Eirena," Redwind would say, "But you sure know how to handle a weapon!"
One evening Redwind and Eirena went to the Dahlgur Oasis near Cladeum to go find treasure and to kill monsters. After ripping one very big and mean monster and all of its tiny, nasty, minions into thousands of gooey, bloody, strips and taking all of its treasure, Eirena said, "I am hungry. Do you have any laras bread or sweet wine?"
That took Redwind by surprise. "No," she answered, "Just a hunk of salted meat."
Eirena smiled sweetly and said, "Well it was worth the try."
Not to Redwind it wasn't. She felt ashamed that she didn't think to ask her friend Eirena if she liked salted meat. If she had known she would have brought something else that they could share for a snack. This would not do at all. Eirena did not eat much but she should never go hungry. Surely there was something Redwind could do.
Then up on a hillside she saw a little wooden platform with a crane arm hanging off it. Next to the crane was a small clay jar tucked behind a fern. "Ah ha!" declared Redwind and pointed at the jar. "I know what that is!"
Eirena looked at the jar and did not understand. "That just looks like a vase."
"That's more than a vase! Its a cookie jar!" Redwind said happily.
"Whats a cookie?" Eirena asked.
Redwind stared at her friend and gasped, "You dont know what a cookie is?" Redwind sometimes forgot that Eirena was actually thousands of years old. She had just been asleep for a very long time. Clearly she had been asleep so long that she missed out on when the cookie was invented. "Why Eriena it's only the best, most yummy, treat in the whole wide world! And they're crunchity like treasure goblin heads!" Well that settled it. She had to get that jar so Eirena could try a cookie.
"How are you going to get up there?" Eirena asked. "It's up very high. I think someone didn't want us to touch it."
"All the more reason to go get it!" Redwind decided, "That's what treasure hunting is all about! Come on!" So the two looked and looked for a way up the very tall and steep hillside. They found a stairway, but it was old and broken and wouldn't hold an imp's weight let alone a mighty barbarian in full armor and her very good friend. Redwind tried climbing up the side of the hill but couldn't find a foothold to get a start. The jar just stood there.
"Perhaps a bird set it up there," Eirena imagined. "They would not have to climb."
"Where a bird can fly to, a barbarian can jump." Redwind said proudly. She crouched down and leapt straight into the air at the jar but did not get high enough. Redwind launched herself over and over again trying to get up the steep hill somehow but it was just out of reach. Eirena giggled to see her friend jumping about like the burrowing leapers that live in Khanduras. The jar just stood there.
Redwind was beginning to get angry. "Well! That's no good. I know. All kinds of monsters drop treasure when I just shout at them." So she took a deep breath and hollered out, "Gimmie, COOKIES!" But the jar just stood there. She huffed and took an even deeper breath, "I said, COOKIES!!" She shouted over and over loud enough to wake anything in the oasis, but still the jar just stood there.
Now Redwind was getting red in the face. "Maybe we could just get something to eat back at the camp?" Eirena asked. She was getting worried about her friend now.
"No! I promised you cookies that are tasty and crunchity like treasure goblin heads and darn it, I can get them!" Redwind said and stomped her foot with determination so hard that it made the ground shake, but even that could not rattle the jar high above on the platform. The jar... just... stood there.
Then Redwind smacked her head as she got a really good idea. "Oh duh! Why am I doing this the hard way? I should just throw my spear and chain at it. Then I could pull the cookie jar back to us!"
"What if that breaks the jar?" Eirena asked.
"Well then all the cookies will just come out and roll right down the hill to us. What could be easier?" So Redwind prepared to throw her ancient spear with its long long chain. She gave it a few testing swings, took careful aim, pulled back her arm, and heaved the spear with all her might. Whoosh! The spear soared through the air! Rattle rattle rattle went its chain following after it! It sped straight at the jar and CRASH! Redwind hit the cookie jar right in the middle on the first try! Eirena clapped her hands and Redwind shouted a happy cheer, but then they both fell silent. Not a single cookie came rolling down the hill to them. Only bits and pieces of broken pottery.
"Aw, it was empty," Eriena said feeling a little sad for Redwind who went to so much trouble for nothing.
Redwind was not sad. She told Eirena about how cookies were the best, most yummy, treat in the whole wide world. And that they were crunchity like treasure goblin heads. And now her hungry magical friend would not get to try any! Redwind wasn't sad, she wasn't even mad, she was FURIOUS!
Redwind was so furious that she exploded with wrath becoming a terrifying berserker. She smashed apart water towers and broken old wagons! She kicked over barrels full of lantern oil which burst into flames and when you think it couldn't get any worse she charged at a huge pack of fallen, cleaving through them with her weapons! She smashed their bones, rent their flesh, their blood sprayed all over the nearby plants and in the end she pounded them into icky, gooey, mush!
Redwind finally calmed down and kicked through the little bit of treasure the monsters dropped during her onslaught. "Nuts!" She pouted, thinking how disappointed Eirena must be, and how hungry too.
"I think we should go home," Eirena said. "It looks like there are no more monsters in the oasis tonight. Maybe we can come back tomorrow and go treasure hunting then."
"But now you won't get to have any cookies and its all my fault." Redwind sulked. "They really are..."
"The best, most yummy, treat in the whole wide world," said Eirena. "And they're crunchity like treasure goblin heads. You know, I don't think I want any right now. I don't feel like eating anything crunchity. I think I'd rather have something soft, like cake."
Redwind suddenly lit up with a smile. "Eirena you're a genius!" She cried happily. "We can go to Tristram! There's a place not far from there where you can get lots and lots of cupcakes!"
Eirena was happy to see her barbarian friend feeling better. "That sounds nice. What are cupcakes?"
Redwind had to cover her mouth with amazement then. "You've never had cupcakes either? Oh my, they are much better than cookies because they're bigger and have pink sugar frosting! And you know what? I heard that we may even be able to get a hamburger in the same place too!"
Eirena smiled and shook her head. "Whats a hamburger?"
Redwind laughed loud. "Oh, Eirena! You are good at magic but now you really need to learn about what's good to eat!"
The End
