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The Official Joke Thread

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cuchulann:
The newest auditor for the IRS is awaiting his first assignment. He really hopes he will get a good one, something that he can really show off with. However he gets a milk job, checking the books for a Jewish synagogue. Not only is it an easy job because itâ??s a tax-free organization, but also because this particular synagogue has not had a single error in it claims since it began. So the Auditor is sitting in the Rabbiâ??s office and going over the books, and he cannot find a single thing wrong with them. Every â??Iâ? is dotted; every â??Tâ? is crossed. He thinks hard and suddenly he gets an idea.
   Ã¢??Rabbi, I see by your books that you use a lot of candles here. Tell me, what do you do with the drippings?â?
   The Rabbi nods and answers, â??Iâ??m glad you asked that. It so happens that we save the drippings, and we keep them in a box. When the box is full we send it to the factory that makes the candles and once a year they send us a free box of candles. This has been noted on page twelve as you can see.â?
   Sure enough the candle drippings are accounted for. So the auditor thinks harder and then says,
   Ã¢??Rabbi, I see also that you use a lot of matzos here. Tell me, what do you do with the crumbs?â?
   The Rabbi answers, â??Well, like the candle drippings we save the crumbs, and we keep them in a box. When the box is full we send it to the factory that makes the matzos, and once a year they send us a free box of matzos. This has also been noted on page twelve.â?
   Once again the auditor has to concede, but he has not given up yet. He thinks hard then gets his golden idea.
   Ã¢??Rabbi I also see that you do a lot of circumcisions. Tell me, what do you do with the foreskins?â?
   The Rabbi nods and answers, â??Like the candle drippings and the matzo crumbs, we save the foreskins and keep them in a box. When the box is full we send it to the IRS. And once a year they send us a little prick like you.â?

Mercy:
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA , PP, and a red one labelled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'

Razor Blade:
I'm laughing my ass off i wan't moore, please MOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!

Mercy:
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

420:
I'm posting this here because it's about a joke and it's funny, but it's not about a funny joke. Irony is the pinnacle of humor!

Man pretending to fall off bridge actually falls

--- Quote ---
Man pretending to fall off bridge actually falls

Thu Apr 23, 9:11 pm ET

BLOOMINGTON, Minn. – Police said a 23-year-old man is in stable condition after he pretended that he was falling off a bridge over the Minnesota River, then actually fell off the bridge. Police got a call just before 5 a.m. Sunday from a 21-year-old man who said his friend fell off the Highway 77 bridge and into a marshy area about 30 feet below.

The caller said he was driving north when his friend, who he said had been drinking, told him to pull into the bridge's emergency lane so he could urinate.

The 23-year-old stood eventually climbed to the ledge of the bridge, then looked at his friend and pretended to fall. "He then in fact fell," reads a press release from the Bloomingtin Police Department.

Police from Bloomington and Eagan responded, and the Eagan Fire Department used a chair lift to retrieve the man. He was transported to Hennepin County Medical Center where was treated.

--- End quote ---
I imagine that the police report reads like a haiku:

Drunk pees off a bridge
Like a ham, pretends to fall
He then in fact fell


-420

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