Author Topic: The Old Joke Threads!  (Read 32206 times)

Offline Knuckles

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« Reply #60 on: April 25, 2005, 07:15:47 PM »
that was F***en funny ROFLMFAO
O'hana means Family, Family means no get left behind or Frogotten:)

Tails+Cosmo Forever too ^_^

"If I should visit the moon, well, i'll dance on a moonbeam, and then, I will make a wish on a star and i'll wish I was home once again. Though i'd like to look down at the Earth from above, I would miss all the places and people I love. So although I may go, i'll be cominghome soon. 'Cause I don't want to live on the moon."

626+624 forever ^^

Offline James_2k

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« Reply #61 on: April 27, 2005, 03:14:20 PM »
i hope you dont mind me posting one not really a joke, but its along the lines..

Many Sydney folk DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs Play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win a prize.

One particular game, however, made Sydney drop to its knees with laughter and is Possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is ED on Fox FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have"

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First name only please".

Contestant: "Brian"

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?

Brian: "Yes".

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married"

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First name only please"

Brian: "Sara"

DJ: "Is Sara at work Brian?"

Brian: "She's gonna kill me"

DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work"

DJ: "OK, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She's gonna kill me"

DJ: "Brian, stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning"

DJ: "Atta boy Brian"

Brian: (laughing sheepishly): "Well...."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes"

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake"

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice"

DJ: "OK. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well...."

DJ: "This sounds good Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh"

Brian: "And the mother in law was in the shower at the time"

DJ: "Atta boy Brian"

Brian: "On the kitchen table"

DJ: "Not that great? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's
work number and call her up. You listen to this"

(3 minutes of commercials follow)

DJ: "OK audience, let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch tones...ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos"

DJ: "Hey is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she"

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with Fox FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking to Brian for a couple of hours now"

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Soooooo, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sara: "No"

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, OK? Be completely honest"

DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us"

Sara: (laughing) "yes"

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work"

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning"

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe"

DJ: "Hmmm, that's close enough. I'm sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes"

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell them honey"

DJ: "What is bothering you so much Sara?"

Sara: "well....."

DJ: "Come on Sara...where did you have it?"

Sara: "Up the arse..."

After a long pause, the DJ said: "Folks, we need a take a station break"

Offline Knuckles

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« Reply #62 on: April 27, 2005, 06:50:31 PM »
OH GOOD GOD THAT'S FUNNY :rofl:
O'hana means Family, Family means no get left behind or Frogotten:)

Tails+Cosmo Forever too ^_^

"If I should visit the moon, well, i'll dance on a moonbeam, and then, I will make a wish on a star and i'll wish I was home once again. Though i'd like to look down at the Earth from above, I would miss all the places and people I love. So although I may go, i'll be cominghome soon. 'Cause I don't want to live on the moon."

626+624 forever ^^

Offline Tyrael

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« Reply #63 on: April 28, 2005, 04:34:13 AM »
hehe funny  :P  james i still havent see you on GodSpire  :acute:  so come on soon lol  :P

Offline James_2k

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« Reply #64 on: April 28, 2005, 09:39:18 AM »
Quote
hehe funny  :P  james i still havent see you on GodSpire  :acute:  so come on soon lol  :P
[snapback]22707[/snapback]
hehe, WoW is addictive :)

but i will try and get NWN installed, but as my sig says i forgot to back up my chars :( so aluvian DS may be making an appearance :P

Online Mercy

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« Reply #65 on: April 30, 2005, 05:38:34 PM »
rofl that is good. Heres anothe blonde for ya :).


A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
Elessar: why is the shit coming from his head?
Anheg: cause its japanese?

Offline BzK

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« Reply #66 on: April 30, 2005, 06:11:54 PM »
Quote
rofl that is good. Heres anothe blonde for ya :).
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
[snapback]22908[/snapback]

 :rofl: blonde jokes never get old...

Offline Knuckles

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« Reply #67 on: April 30, 2005, 11:00:50 PM »
Quote
:rofl: blonde jokes never get old...
[snapback]22909[/snapback]
it was ok, but not that funny. :)
O'hana means Family, Family means no get left behind or Frogotten:)

Tails+Cosmo Forever too ^_^

"If I should visit the moon, well, i'll dance on a moonbeam, and then, I will make a wish on a star and i'll wish I was home once again. Though i'd like to look down at the Earth from above, I would miss all the places and people I love. So although I may go, i'll be cominghome soon. 'Cause I don't want to live on the moon."

626+624 forever ^^

Offline nathan

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« Reply #68 on: May 13, 2005, 08:46:07 PM »
A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office in   Winter Haven, Florida.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for  you?"
The man asked, "Will you watch us have sexual   intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the   couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the   way you have intercourse and charged them $50.

This happened several   weeks in a row.

The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse   with no problems,pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked,   "Just exactly what are
you trying to find out?

The old man said,   "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to   her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges   $90. The Hilton charges $140.. We do it here for $50
and I get $43 back   from Medicare."

Is Florida great or what?

Online Mercy

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« Reply #69 on: June 09, 2005, 04:30:11 AM »
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
Elessar: why is the shit coming from his head?
Anheg: cause its japanese?

Online Mercy

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« Reply #70 on: November 04, 2006, 12:25:39 AM »
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts
Her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says, "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
Elessar: why is the shit coming from his head?
Anheg: cause its japanese?

Offline Soul Sojourner

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« Reply #71 on: November 07, 2006, 05:26:17 AM »
I thought I replied to this, it was half funny. I'm a tough humor critic. Few things make me laugh, though the best job at doing that is done by situational irony on forums or conversations. I do the best job at making me laugh. Though my gf can do it pretty well too. lol.

Got more?
« Last Edit: November 07, 2006, 05:26:40 AM by HeLLMasteRHeLL »

Offline ViperDE2004

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« Reply #72 on: November 08, 2006, 12:42:51 AM »
wtf lol.  man hell your messed up lol

Nice joke mercy i thought it was pretty good.
Viper, Leader of {Legions of Sages} -(LoS)-

Offline Soul Sojourner

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« Reply #73 on: November 08, 2006, 05:18:14 AM »
Quote
wtf lol.  man hell your messed up lol
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Hmm... Yeah, that sounds pretty accurate to me. *nods* :yes:

Offline Anheg

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« Reply #74 on: November 13, 2006, 05:25:34 PM »
Long story for such a one punchline joke =p

I at least got a giggle out of it
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Offline Raelias

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« Reply #75 on: November 15, 2006, 06:02:44 PM »
I have some decent ones I found from some forums. I'll throw some jokes up and I also have some "adult" orientated ones that are pretty funny from the DotA Discussion boards. Their not to bad but they might be offensive to some. Not sure. If you want to hear them I'll post them up. Their worth a laugh or twenty.

-Raelias


As we venture forth into these dark times, brave souls will fall and heroes will live to carry the light of hope forward, into the future. In the end all shall perish into flames and ash. Have heart, for from the ashes shall be born anew, an age that will outshine all others. With the dawning of this new time, all shall look to the sky and see hope laying amongst the the sun's rays.
-Raelias

DotA (Wc3) Quote of Godliness: "I picked teh bone clanx nd othr tema says i is imba - i laff. I sed bone is strng not imbala tho so i is walk up 2 teh towar n liek try to kill it but i cldnt so i is try to sped walking away n towar c me n kill me den my tem call me nub. i thinking teh towar - 1 dat throw rocks i m no sure is imba n shud be nerfed n plz buff teh bone clanx he no good."

Online Mercy

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« Reply #76 on: November 16, 2006, 01:57:46 AM »
While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed. His soul arrives in
Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, the doors open, and he rides the elevator down, down, down. When the doors open again, the senator finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and they reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.
"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity."
He reflects for a minute and then answers, "Well, I would never would have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot, and the odor is just horrible.
Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at the senator, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."
Elessar: why is the shit coming from his head?
Anheg: cause its japanese?

Online Mercy

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« Reply #77 on: December 27, 2006, 01:19:02 PM »
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
Elessar: why is the shit coming from his head?
Anheg: cause its japanese?

Online Mercy

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« Reply #78 on: December 29, 2006, 02:53:27 PM »
A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
Elessar: why is the shit coming from his head?
Anheg: cause its japanese?

Offline Xen

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« Reply #79 on: December 30, 2006, 03:20:11 AM »
rofl

Offline Anheg

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« Reply #80 on: March 21, 2007, 05:20:33 PM »
Quote
She was shopping at the local Tescos where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee, and

A 1 lb. package of bacon.


As she was unloading my items on the conveyor belt
to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as
she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases,
the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
she was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she
was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she
was indeed single. she looked at the six items on the
belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well,
you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on
earth did you know that?"


The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
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Offline Soul Sojourner

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« Reply #81 on: August 06, 2007, 06:25:32 PM »
This is a bunch of Mercy's joke thread's compiled into one. It also includes joke threads by a couple other individuals that never got replies. (Anheg, Nathan)

This is not his official joke thread, but the old ones. His new one will be pinned. =)